Advice for bands

This weekend, went to Cleveland to see a Battle of the Bands. It was fun. More on that later. For now, though, I offer this advice to aspiring musicians:

1. Check out your fans. While you're welcome to try to whip them up into a frenzy ... if you're significantly more animated than they are, you kinda look like a dork. Example: Fans are doing the 'mild swaying' thing, if moving at all, and you're jumping around like you have weasels in the pants. Just stop it.

2. Do not do any of the following:
-Choreographed headbanging (unless you're being ironic. And even then, you probably shouldn't).
-The "fall to your knees, mic in hand" bit. First, you gotta be pouring your SOUL into the music to do that. You have to be singing so hard that your legs can no longer support you. And you have to be good - you have to be good enough that the people watching understand that your singing is just too awesome to be delivered standing up. If you're anything short of that kind of awesome, and you do that move, you kinda look like a dork.
-Say "fuck" excessively. I don't have a problem with profanity, but work up to it -- jumping on the stage and saying "Hey, you fucking people, how the fuck are you fucking DOOOINNNNGGG??!?!?" ....well, it makes you sound a bit like a 13-year-old who is trying out swearing for the first time.


3. Never dance around with a big plastic candy cane (exception: George Clinton is on stage. Then anything goes.)